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CharYeLLe
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Name: Suzie
Birthday: 6/5/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Christianity, Scouting, Reading, Hanging out with friends, Watching movies (MOvie FreaK), TV, Online, Badminton
Expertise: Uhhh...
Me.. good good in SLEEPING! =P
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/23/2004
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| Okay fine...
Now that someone found out about my blogspot, I don't see the reason to deprive you guys of more of my whinings.
Moving there means I officially have to see this space die. Oh my goodness, this is so unbearable..
*sob sob sob..*
But here goes. www.charyelle.blogspot.com
You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. LOL..
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| Muahahahaha... I know people are going to come in here less and less now, because normally I can't stand NOT blogging for maximum 3 days or so, but it seems like I am not blogging for ages, isn't it?
Well well well, actually I have already started blogging in my blogspot, lol! And the reason why I haven't officially announce I am moving there is because I haven't really got used to the whole idea of moving permanently to blogspot and see this Xanga space die.
Hey, I have been blogging here since 2004 lah, give me a break lah k?
While I really like my new page, it takes a whole accustomisation to it, and sadly there are already a few features in blogspot that I do not like (or unaccustomed to).
So yea, give me a day or two yea?
Or maybe a week. Lol.
*wink*
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| I know I AM already home for Christmas, but this song definitely makes you feel nostalgic, melancholic, _______________
(fill in the blanks with any sad, longing feelings that you can possibly have).
No thanks to Buble who has that mesmering vocal to go with it.
I'm dreaming tonight
Of a place I love
Even more than I usually do.
And although I know
It's a long road back
I promise you
I'll be home for Christmas.
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.
Oh oh ah I'll be home for Christmas.
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree.
Oh Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love-light gleams.
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams.
If only in my dreams...
Christmas is definitely very special, isn't it? There's something different about the air. Something different about the lights. Heck, even a simple mistletoe make you feel like something's different.
I just went to Praise Meet today, and they were discussing briefly what Advent meant to us. There were a few good religious replies like preparation, remembrance and waiting (I am assuming all this meant of Jesus).
In my heart, on a more personal level, Christmas always meant loneliness to me. I don't know why. For years now, my family would travel back to our kampung and the celebrations has always been joyous. But for the past few years, confrontations among family members of my mom's has been mounting. There can never be an absolute celebration like the ones we had before all that conflicts started.
Thus, I shunned the family gatherings and chose to stay in the city instead.
But I will always remember the previous times in the kampung, every year without fail- when all my cousins and aunts are asleep; I would sneak to the Christmas tree and switch on the light bulbs and then sit down at the tree and think about what I had accomplished the past one year, while watching the tree magically lit up in the dark.
Often, tears accompany me as I reminiscenced. It sounded sad, but I always enjoyed myself doing it. It was my own 'me-time'.
On the first year I was with Jui, again I shunned the family gathering and stayed back in the city. The boy just went to KL for a one week holiday with his family and that time, we just got together so I was overwhelmingly missing him. When he came back, we practically went out everyday and I remembered during Christmas morning, we talked in the car until wee hours in morning. (yeah, and I also managed to get a rare threat from my dad that he will lock me out of the house the next time I do so. LOL)
I remembered he asked me whether it was 'appropriate' that I was missing Christmas for him (supposedly I am to be with my God, family, etc..) and I just shrugged and said I have a feeling I won't regret this for years to come.
And regret I did not.
Yeah, good times. Hehe..
What other Christmas memories did I have? Hmm...
Oh and last year's Christmas, I stupidly booked my flight ticket for my opening 2nd semester on Christmas. And my uni's opening on 27th because Boxing Day was a public holiday. The hostel I am staying in only opened on 26th (my hostel is always open on the day before any sem starts) but since I already purchased the ticket, I just went on with plan and stayed with Alicia for one day on the 25th.
Needless to say, I felt so out of place and missing out on Christmas; that night I slept next to Alicia, I wet her pillow by crying so hard. She doesn't know, of course.
I am still thankful you took me in, Alicia! =) BFF!
This year...
I am predicting that I will have a joyous, good Christmas with all my uni, Scouts and schoolmates all around Kuching this time. Midnight Mass seems more appealing with Gilda and Ivory around, and of course there's Scout Night which is a few nights before Christmas.
Despite that, sometimes I wonder whether this is the Christmas I want?
All my sem breaks before this one have been rather boring and self-indulgatory, and I always complained that I want more action with my pals. But due to lack of initiative of planning, I am always at home with endless time to spend on.
But this sem break, I always have something to look forward to do every day. I can hardly keep in track of my next activity because I am always so absorbed in my current activity!
Mona and Beth left for different reasons to Miri and UMS respectively, which of course breaks the momentum of going out and yam cha sessions. I thought I will start feeling bored again.
Time flies when you're having fun...
And then surprisingly, church activities picked up and now I am feeling as if I have no time of my own again!
It is so funny how the way the Lord works. Mysteriously funny. I always find it ironic whenever I think about it that I often laughed to myself.
Maybe He thinks that all these activities will get me distracted and make me slowly move on without realising it. Well, initially I had high hopes and thought so too - that's why I bothered arranging so many meet-ups with people I haven't keep in touch with! They momentarily served their cause- I forget when I have people to talk to, people to watch, people to joke around with.
But it never fail to come back to haunt me again. Everytime I go to sleep. Everytime I look up at the stars. Everytime I hear a sad song. Everytime I take a walk.
I just want to move on and be happy again. But somehow I don't find it as easy as I thought it would be. Everything is a dead end.
I didn't realise I was so tangled until Tim sort of unravel it for me;
Me: (pointing at a Christmas tree) Look at that Xmas tree!
Tim: Nice, isn’t it? Feel like a sit down the tree now?
<he knows about my nostalgia sit down the tree story>
Me: (looks at him weirdly) Crazy ah! This is shopping
complex hor.
Tim: (looks at me sympathetically..) Admit it. You feel like a sit down so bad right now.
Me: I don’t... ...
Tim: (sighs heavily) The earlier you learn that you couldn’t
let go, the earlier you will let go. I will be here if you need someone to
accompany you to break in into this shopping complex during wee hours…
Me: (laugh giddily) Hehe...
Thanks Tim for being able to read me without needing me to tell you. True friend. =)
Seriously, I have tried everything in the book. I want to get healed so badly so that I can enjoy my holidays. I don't want the holidays to end, only in the distant future for me to regret that I wasn't half into the things I am doing. I want to stop being this emo freak and start seeing small little things amusing.
It's like I'm in a maze. I would run, run and run - so assured that I
saw a ray of light at the other end. Enthusiasticly run to the end,
only to realise it's not a path out. And I have to start all over
again- back at square one.
I want to smile idiotically at the stars again. I want to make stupid faces at the mirrors again. I want to mew and bark at cats and dogs as if I can talk to them, again. I want to pass out from laughing too much at comic books again.
But I can feel this thing always clutching my chest. At times I felt it left me, especially after a good cry - only to wake up and realise it's still there. And everytime, good friends tell me alike- it takes time, Suz, time... Sigh...
I don't do time. I am impatient. I just want it to go away. I just want to live the moment. But it's partly my fault too, right? That I am like this because I refused to let go?
:_(
I wish I have a Christmas tree to sit down under and reminiscence on
the past times now. Call me pessimist, call me pitiful, call me loser-
I don't really care.
I just need a Christmas tree...
......
Huggies, anyone?
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| Edit: Got the song here for you. Just because. =)
No no no.. not the love love...
But the other love love.. Errr... friend's love? Whatever it is, I love you!
You know who you are!!!
Today is another day in which I continue whining, complaining, sighing and having endless self-pity on myself. You on the other side, did not once hang up on me; continue to layan me even though I disturb your handsome sleep; continue to say "it's okay" even though you know it's not okay- thank you for not giving up on me!
God knows how long I have been in this state. And which also signifies how long I have been such a pain in the ass for you. Always having to tolerate all my whinings. And ridiculous insecurities.
Today is not an exception. Again I told you that 'rehab' sucks, because I don't feel like I am healing at all. And time is passing so slow, and I just wanna get well ASAP so that I can make other people happy again. But I feel it tugging inside of me and it won't go away. Complained that I can't will my feelings away like how I used to anymore. Feel like the body doesn't belong to me. It feels however it likes, without needing to get approval from its master anymore.
But YOU. Did not once gave up on me despite me being so clingy. And ridiculously absurd. And superly annoying!
Favourite Quote: "You are supposed to get better during rehab, not worse! Guess I have to marry you now so that you will stop all these bullsh*t insecurities in you..."
Make my day, make my day, make my day, make my day! *jive to some super weird dance* So what if I perasan, muahahahahaha... Don't worry, I won't take it for real.. LOL...
Words cannot express my gratitude to you! So here, a song for you!
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I lurve this song! And even more when someone sent me the lyrics and I love how simple and meaningful it is! So this is for you, you special someone! Thanks for always being there! Wink!
P/S: Have been start working on the new blog place. Hehehe.. will tell you guys of the big move.
Or not.
Teeheee....
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| Some friend lah some people is..
Such big event didn't even tell people. 
Anyway, congrats! And please let the big big event take place when I am HERE in Kuching!!
Pwetty please???!!??
(Cham loh, everybody expect you to hold it when they're back in Kuching. I wonder how many people you have to consider? LOL.)
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